


37mm

by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sexual Abuse, Infidelity, Old Fic, Oneshot collection, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27709157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/Lamia%20of%20the%20Dark
Summary: Snapshots from an AU in which Bellatrix loved Rodolphus while he was slowly falling out of love with her, and she was resistant to the Dark Lord's advances.
Relationships: Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Rodolphus Lestrange, Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Voldemort
Kudos: 10





	1. 37mm

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on FFN as a set of scattered oneshots, written between 2008-2009.
> 
> I'm putting them here in the order that they were posted to FFN instead of reordering them to be linear.
> 
> Chapter titles are named after various songs or lyrics.

~ 37mm ~

Rodolphus had to concentrate very hard to make sure the words came out right. He was certain he was saying his wedding vows perfectly, until...

" _You just said my sister's name!_ " she shrieked.

"No, I didn't," he protested. "I said-"

"You said _Bellatrix_."

Which is exactly what he'd been trying to say. But the woman standing beside him at the altar was actually Narcissa.

Rodolphus woke with a start. It was just a nightmare.

Or was it...?

He looked at the woman lying curled up beside him, her dark hair falling over face, the Mark on her arm clearly exposed. He'd settled for Bellatrix because he couldn't have Narcissa. She reminded him of her sister, sometimes. But lately, her sweet side was being eclipsed by her dark side and he wasn't sure he could love this new Bella.

Everyone thought they were going to get married, but he hadn't given her a ring or even ever actually proposed to her. He wasn't sure he was going to, anymore.

~oOo~


	2. There Are Feathers Everywhere

~ There Are Feathers Everywhere ~

Narcissa was helping Bellatrix put the final touches on her hair and makeup.

A group of chattering guests walked passed the open dressing-room door and Bella could have sworn she heard the words "the Dark Lord" among their whispers.

_No, what is he doing here?! Why? This is my wedding, he can't be here... he can't ruin this!_

She didn't realize her hands were shaking until Narcissa pointed it out to her.

"What are you nervous about?" Narcissa asked, with equal measures of curiosity and concern.

She couldn't tell Narcissa what was really wrong any more than she could have the Dark Lord kicked out of the church. Rodolphus had probably invited him, not knowing... Of course, she'd never said anything to him about it, either. Their relationship had grown distant and forced. They were only getting married now because they were both pushing thirty and they knew they were each other's last chance at a respectable pureblood marriage.

"Tonight's... our wedding night," Bellatrix said quietly.

"Oh, Bella, it won't be much different from any other night," Narcissa said, laughing.

Nonplussed, Bellatrix started, "But tonight we're going to-" And then she realized. " _You were sleeping with Lucius before you got married?!_ "

Now it was Narcissa's turn to be shocked.

" _Oh my God, Bella, you mean you're still a virgin?!_ "

She wasn't, but it was true that she'd never made love with Rodolphus even though they often spent the night in each other's beds. After she'd had her innocence stolen, the fooling around and the snuggling and the kisses and eventually everything physical between them had stopped.

~oOo~


	3. Hate Every Beautiful Day

~ Hate Every Beautiful Day ~

"So, how was your wedding night?" Lucius asked.

It was a few days after the wedding and they'd just come out of a Death Eaters' meeting. Hardly the right time or place to discuss such a thing, but it was the first time they'd seen each other since the ceremony.

"I slept well," Rodolphus replied flatly.

"That isn't what I was asking and you know it."

"I slept well," Rodolphus repeated.

And this time Lucius understood. He'd slept well... and not with Bellatrix.

~oOo~


	4. Vanilla Lace

~ Vanilla Lace ~

Bellatrix sighed. It was ridiculous, really. Her mother was fussing over her more than Narcissa and Narcissa was the one getting married... Well, she supposed her mother was hoping that Bella would be able to secure an engagement today.

Bella wasn't counting on it. Rodolphus was already starting to show less interest in her. Ever since-

A sharp click jerked her out of her thoughts.

"What's this? It fell out of your cloak pocket, Bella."

Bellatrix looked at the object her mother was holding.

"Oh, that..." She'd forgotten about it. _I guess it's just my luck that I ended up wearing **that** cloak today. _"It's perfume. I think he said it was called Xero, or something."

"Oh, Bella," Narcissa squealed. "You're _so_ lucky! A man doesn't usually give perfume like that to a woman he's already caught."

The perfume bottle was a hollowed-out raw ruby. The bottle itself cost almost as much as the actual perfume inside it. Almost.

"There's nothing _lucky_ about it," Bellatrix snapped.

"Really? I didn't think Rodolphus was the type to spoil a girl," Narcissa replied, frowning thoughtfully.

 _Oh, if only my dear sweet naive little sister knew who really gave that to me_...

Narcissa took the bottle from their mother and removed the cap, sniffing delicately to sample the scent. It was dark and sensual, something Narcissa never would have chosen for herself, but-

"Oh, Bella, it's perfect for you!"

And before Bellatrix realized what she was doing, Narcissa had already sprayed her with Xero.

Meanwhile in the men's dressing room...

"Proposing at someone else's wedding would be completely tacky, right?" Rodolphus asked, looking to Lucius for confirmation.

As much as Lucius would have liked to honestly answer _I'm sure Bellatrix would be happy all the same. She's probably tired of waiting,_ all he really said was, "Yes, completely tacky."

Because that's the answer that he knew Rodolphus wanted to hear.

~oOo~


	5. The Sky Above The Sky Below

~ The Sky Above The Sky Below ~

That red bottle on her dresser. Where had it come from? It was expensive, he knew that. But the reason she'd moved into this shithole apartment in the first place was so that she wouldn't have to live by her parents' rules anymore... or depend on their money.

But he didn't really care _where_ it had come from. Rodolphus hated that perfume. It was dark and sensual and addictive - a dangerous scent that encompassed all the things he didn't want Bellatrix to become.

Of course, those things had always been there, waiting beneath the surface unawakened. He wanted to prevent them from ever awakening.

Without quite realizing what he was doing, he reached for the red perfume bottle. His hand knocked against one of the many small jewelry boxes that littered the dresser top, sending it crashing to the floor. The box's contents spilled everywhere, tiny white pearls flying off in every direction.

"What was that?"

He turned and saw Bellatrix standing in the doorway.

"I think I broke something," he answered sheepishly, embarrassed at having been caught messing with her things.

Bellatrix summoned the toppled jewelry box and its contents with a flick of her wand and settled it carefully back into its place among the others of its kind on the dresser.

"You didn't break anything," she informed him. "Those are the pearls I wore at my sister's wedding."

He frowned, struggled to recall... and realized he'd never once looked at her during her sister's wedding. He'd been staring at Narcissa the whole time.

He saw Bella's eyes flick to the dresser top and he followed her gaze to a silver picture frame. The picture in the frame showed the two of them dancing at Malfoy's wedding. In the photograph they were laughing and smiling at each other, but he knew it hadn't happened that way in real life. He'd been staring at Narcissa over Bellatrix's shoulder while they danced, but only the two of them existed in the tiny world of the picture. Both of them were dressed up in fine clothes, and Bellatrix's hair was strung with pearls.

For a moment he was stunned. He'd almost forgotten that she was beautiful.

~oOo~


	6. Stop and Stare

~ Stop and Stare ~

Bellatrix and the Dark Lord had just finished shouting at one another. Apparently their ideas about what was going on between them varied radically from each other. On top of that, he'd just revealed the fact that her husband was in love with her sister, which she had never actually realized until he said it. But now that she thought about it, it really explained a lot of things about the way her relationship with Rodolphus had deteriorated over the years.

She knew she should have ended the relationship when things started getting awkward between them, but she hadn't been ready to let go then. It was too late now. She was already married.

Struggling to control her temper, she ground out through gritted teeth, " Why, if you knew all that... why, if you wanted me for yourself... _why_ did you let me _marry_ him?"

"Because I thought that's what you wanted!" he snapped. Not that he understood why she would want such a thing. Of course, their communication had been rather lacking during all of this, as the fight just now had proved.

She closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. She didn't look angry anymore, just tired and sad and a little bitter.

"Funny, that's what I thought I wanted, too."

~oOo~


	7. Forever and Forever

~ Forever and Forever ~

It had not escaped Rodolphus's notice that Bellatrix had stopped wearing perfume, and makeup, and jewelry, and nice clothes. He did notice. But he didn't think anything of it. He'd heard that women do that when they're in a secure a relationship and don't feel the need to work constantly to impress/attract their man anymore.

Yes, it was true that he was actually in love with Narcissa, but Narcissa was married to Malfoy and her sister wasn't. Which is why Rodolphus was at Bellatrix's shithole apartment, hoping to get lucky even though he knew she probably wouldn't let him get as far as he wanted to.

He trailed soft kisses down her neck as he slid one hand under her skirt.

This is the point where she would normally stop him, push his hands away, and tell him "Not until our wedding night."

But Bellatrix thought their relationship was more likely to end in a breakup than a marriage now, and she didn't say that anymore. She decided to give him what he wanted, in the hope that physical satisfaction might prolong this doomed courtship dance.

He stopped himself. He didn't know why she wasn't putting up a fight to protect her innocence anymore. Or had she realized that the marriage excuse was pointless because he didn't want to marry her? Either way, he wasn't in the mood anymore.

He sighed and pulled away.

She hid her disappointment.

They didn't fool around any more that night, but he _did_ stay (which she counted as a point in her favor).

~oOo~


	8. Kill Me Shining

~ Kill Me Shining ~

"Is it possible for someone to suddenly develop an obsessive-compulsive disorder?" Rodolphus asked Lucius quietly as they were leaving the Death Eaters' meeting.

"I don't know, maybe," Lucius replied, with apparent disinterest in the subject. "Do you think you've developed one?"

Rodolphus rolled his eyes. "I don't think people are usually aware of their own psychoses. It's not me, it's Bella…"

That caught Lucius's attention.

"What is she suddenly obsessively compulsively doing?" he asked.

"She seems to have developed a fixation with being clean at all times," Rodolphus replied. "She suddenly hates the scent of the same perfume she's been wearing for years, and she can't stand being even a little bit sweaty."

He'd assumed that she hadn't been wearing perfume because she'd run out and hadn't been able to afford another bottle. (She'd gotten her water cut off this month for being behind on the bill, after all.) So he'd bought it for her, meaning to leave it in the medicine cabinet at her apartment as a surprise - only to discover that her old one was still half-full.

And besides that, she was bathing more often than necessary, and more times in one day than most people would consider normal. Which is probably how she ended up running up her water bill higher than she could afford to pay in the first place. She was working more hours at her crappy job to pay for it and wouldn't let him bail her out of her financial troubles.

Just about the only thing he could really do for her in this situation was bring her home (he still lived in the Lestrange family house, seeing as he hadn't been desperate to get out from under his parents' control like Bellatrix had) and let her have a bath there.

"Just forget I mentioned it," Rodolphus said as Bellatrix joined them.

"What were you talking about?" she asked.

"Man stuff, you know," Rodolphus said uncomfortably, and quickly changed the subject. "So, I was thinking we should go to my place tonight. I should at least stop by and say hi to my parents once in a while, I'm sure my mother is worried…"

"Alright, fine," she responded unenthusiastically. She was always awkward around his parents, even more so lately. And - like he thought she would - she asked, almost shyly, "Do you think they'll mind if I have a bath while I'm there?"

~oOo~


	9. In Every Scene of the Night

~ In Every Scene of the Night ~

Bellatrix was caught between two men - both of whom did not love her. One of them wanted her, the other didn't. She held a certain affection for her husband, who was in love with another woman and had only married Bellatrix because his first choice was already taken. Sometime after she accepted the fact that their marriage was an epic failure, she had fallen hard for their master - who hated love and only wanted to use her for sex.

Every night, once they were finished, she would slip out of the Dark Lord's bed and dress and leave the room - as if she were nothing more than a cheap whore. She was sure that to him, she was only a toy, to be played with until something more amusing came along.

She didn't know that he often wondered why she always left immediately afterward, running back to the husband that they both knew was only faithful because the woman Rodolphus loved would never have him. He supposed it must be guilt that prompted her actions because she _was_ a married woman, after all, which classified their relationship (if it could even be called that) as an affair. He never bothered to ask her directly, and she kept her heart too closely guarded for him to read the answer in her mind.

Every night she ran back to her husband, who welcomed her into his arms and held her while she cried, but was helpless as to how to comfort her.

She was caught between two men - both of whom did not love her. She only wanted to be loved a little. Was that really too much to wish for?

~oOo~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was meant to be the _actual_ ending of the series.
> 
> Chapter 10 is a rewrite/expansion of a previous chapter (ch 6), which provides a more concrete explanation of some stuff going on in the background of this fic (namely, Bellatrix's relationship with Voldemort), and implies that there might be a happy ending to this series after all.
> 
> If you're just here for the angst, you might want to skip chapter 10.


	10. Starting to Get an Attraction

~ Starting To Get An Attraction ~

He'd cornered her, alone, after the meeting.

"Why did you come here tonight, Bella?"

"Why wouldn't I have come, my lord?" she asked guardedly.

He frowned. "You are married now. I wouldn't punish you for staying home to bear and raise pureblood children."

"I don't think there are going to be any children," she said quietly, looking away from him. Her voice was tinged with bitterness as she continued. "We moved out of my apartment into the new house he bought... I have my own bedroom." She shot Voldemort a hate-filled glare, then looked away again as she railed, "This is _your_ fault. You ruined it. You ruined _everything_ when you raped me."

She gasped as he pushed her against the wall, taking her face in his hands and forcing her to look at him.

His eyes burned into hers as he spoke in a deadly hiss.

"I did NOT force myself on you. YOU never once resisted my advances or asked me to stop."

What was he saying? Of course she hadn't resisted, he was the Dark Lord! She had assumed that if she'd fought back, he would have forced her anyway...

"That first time, I told you I was a virgin," she argued.

"And if you wanted to stay that way, you should have stated it clearly," he snapped.

And she remembered that first time he'd come on to her. He'd made his intentions perfectly clear, and in a panic she had blurted out, "Wait, my lord, I'm a virgin!" To which he'd responded, "I'll be gentle." She hadn't protested further or physically resisted, and he'd been true to his word.

Bellatrix was stunned by the revelation that most of this was her fault, that if she had only fought back maybe none of this would have ever...

Just the thought of it made her eyes fill with tears.

Voldemort saw her expression change and lowered his hands.

"If I'd asked you to stop... would you really have...?" she asked, voice shaking.

"Yes," he said firmly. "I am not an animal, Bella." He sighed. "And I did not ruin your relationship. Think carefully. When did Rodolphus stop paying attention to you?"

"After you... the second time, at my sister's wedding-"

"No!" he roared, slamming his hand against the wall.

She flinched.

" _Think, Bella! It wasn't you, it was never you!_ He stopped paying attention to you whenever your sister was around because he is - and always has been - in love with _Narcissa_. When you stopped wearing perfume and jewelry and pretty clothes, _he didn't notice the difference_ because he didn't see _you_ when he looked at you." Voldemort realized - with a pang of guilt - that she'd slowly stopped doing those things after their first sexual encounter, the event that her then-too-innocent mind had perceived as rape, and she'd done it to stop him from being attracted to her. Despite this realization, he continued to rant without pause. "He never saw you for yourself - he only saw what he wanted to see, only acknowledged the parts of you that were like her. He did not look at you for so much as a single _second_ during your sister's wedding. He didn't even notice when you disappeared for half an hour during the reception. And when Lucius showed around pictures from the wedding, Rodolphus was _surprised_ to see you there beside him in so many of them."

At Narcissa's wedding reception, the Dark Lord had caught Bellatrix alone away from the other guests and had ravished her in the garden maze at the back of the Malfoy family's property. She'd protested that time too, and he'd been careful not to muss her hair or smear her lipstick or wrinkle her dress (a filmy little thing that clung deliciously to her every curve) - exactly the things she'd asked of him when she had tried to get him to stop. She had also pleaded for him not to leave any love bites in highly visible places - which he had also taken care not to do, in accordance with her wishes. Now that she though about it, she realized that he was actually a quite considerate lover and she wondered why she _hadn't_ ever asked him flat-out to just stop. Maybe she was actually attracted to him, on some level...?

Unlike her sister who still seemed sweet and innocent even though she was now a married woman with a child, Bellatrix had shed all vestiges of innocence and sweetness, maturing into a dark and sensual creature. And the darker and more sensual she'd become, the less time Rodolphus had spent around her...

It all made sense now. Except one thing.

"If you knew all of that all this time... if you wanted me for yourself... why did you let me marry him?" she asked, helpless tears spilling down her cheeks.

He sighed heavily. "Because I wanted you to have a respectable pureblood marriage with the man you'd had your heart set on since childhood."

She laughed bitterly. "Funny, that's what I thought I wanted, too." Suddenly she smiled through her tears. A dark, alluring, sarcastic smile. "Want to come over tonight?"

~oOo~


End file.
